Heavy Metal Breakdown
by Chesterfield Longfellow
My most recent “adventure in dating” has brought me face to face with the daunting task of finding that perfect balance of woman that every man is looking for; polished professional by day, metal thrashing, whiskey guzzling, tattooed chick by night.
I’m an accountant by trade, although I have used the, “I train Pandas at the Bronx Zoo” line plenty of times (perhaps in another installment folks). I also listen to some of the most brutal metal that you could imagine. And I have tattoos, including a full sleeve, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at me. I enjoy a dive bar as much as the next person, but I can also hold my own reading the wine list at Artisanal. So is it too much to ask for a lady with the same traits?
Most recently, I’ve been canoodling with four different women, who we will use the following pseudonyms for: lawyer, panda, bartender and FIT. Each represents a certain characteristic of my personality, but none can be referred to as my doppelganger by any means. Let’s break each one down and then form them together like Voltron:
- Lawyer: Recently graduated from law school, unemployed, likes to watch movies and smoke weed. Good traits, like me on a Friday night after work; and she doesn’t talk too much or expect us to go out to dinner or anything of that sort.
- Panda: Great job in a big corporation, lives in the same neighborhood, but can’t carry a conversation at all. Career similarities to me, same neighborhood is a bit too close for comfort but not a total turn off; I want to earn it after that 45 minute subway ride.
- Bartender: Loves the metal, piercings and tattoos, but has the ambition to remain a bartender; stays up all hours of the night and talks too much. This would be great for the weekends, but she gets home when I get up for work during the week.
- FIT: Probably the most balanced of the bunch. She works in a corporate job, but strives to pursue a career more along the lines of her true passions. Likes to eat at nice restaurants, but not the biggest drinker. She says, “Metallica” when you mention metal and recently attended the Jay-Z concert in Nassau County. Great girl and to the point, no bullshit games here and really honest; she told me I talk a lot with my hands while on our second date, right before I backhanded the waiter while asking for coffee.
Now, like I mentioned, I have a pretty high responsibility corporate job by day, but look like I can hang out with Jesse James when the shirt comes off (well, minus the crazy Nazi-girl). Each woman has a certain characteristic that I look for in a mate, but none has the whole package, so the question becomes, do I date the lot of them or single one out with the least collateral damage or scrap the whole plan and start with a clean slate?
Dating all of them may put a substantial dent in my wallet as well as my sanity, not to mention the safety aspect of this if things get physical. Dating one may leave me unfulfilled and bored and end up not being fair to that one. Going scratch will leave me to my typical pasta, wine and weed Friday nights, which at the end of the day aren’t that bad.
I suppose this is the typical thinking for most men, a buffet of personality types if you will. Too bad we can’t mix and match and have the fried chicken AND sesame beef together. Deep down, I think every guy wants to date themselves. I would if I could…
“What do you want to tonight?”
“The same thing as you honey, get stoned and listen to that new Origin record.”
Think of how great that would be! You find someone with the same interests and ambitions as your own. But alas, the full contact sport that is dating in New York City won’t allow for this. So we’re back to square one: the choice.
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